My Little Orange Kitchen

The Many Faces of Me

Today I worked out with Heather at the gym. It was hard, but I did it.  She thinks the cardio issues I have are due more to the fact that the weight around my organs and stomach compresses my lungs than my lungs just being out of shape. She thinks it’s why I struggle with breathing and today we gently discussed me allowing her to make my plan for me rather than simply direct her to help me with cardio. I can give up control on this and focus more on weights and “blasting weight off” my body. I know that it’s good for me to surrender.

However, today I saw myself as I really am in a couple of ways for the first time.  

I was wearing sweat pants and a long t-shirt and my hair was up.  She asked me to face another direction on the machine. I turned and saw this very obese older woman, red-faced, messy with a huge low hanging stomach, tired and obviously struggling and then I realized that it was me in the mirror.  I couldn’t believe that was me.  I’m not kidding…it wasn’t for a flash, I actually stood there doing wood choppers on the machine watching her and not realizing it was me.

The day we started, Heather high fived me after a round of 5 push-ups and I laughed and felt rather pathetic being high fived for such a paltry amount.  However, when I saw that reflection of myself in the mirror today, I realized that to the me I imagine am, that high five was laughable, but to the me that is showing up on the trail or at the gym and in the mirror, the high five is important because wow, she’s exhausted and feels old and yet is giving it everything she’s got.  I can’t believe that nice Laura, who supports everyone else’s journey winds up being someone who won’t support herself and has the nerve to even tell her trainer that a high five at this level is "pathetic". I AM SO MEAN.

Today I got it. How crappy I am to myself.  I finally get what people mean when they say I’m too hard on myself. Like, until I really face what I’ve let myself become, I won’t give myself credit for anything---because in my mind I am expecting to work-out at the level I think I am, yet in reality, I can’t. So I set myself up to never be pleased and to never honor the part of me who shows up at the gym.

To that woman who shows up at the gym, I’m a real nightmare and enough to make her not want to come back. I critique her; belittle her, laugh at how pathetic it is that she gets a high-five for “nothing” and yet, she’s me. I need to learn to take the damn high-five for her. I feel like she showed up in the mirror to stick up for herself and remind me that she didn’t get here independent of critical me-she is me and she’s sick of my crap. She broke through my wall of illusion that I’m a little heavy to give me a hard dose of reality because I’m killing her…not just with life choices, but with unkind words and thoughts and she wants better for both of us and wishes I'd stop being such a bitch.  

Maybe next month or next year I’ll feel and look healthier and if that’s the case, it won’t be because of the part of me that laughs off high-fives and talks about how I used to be this and I used to be that…it will be the part of me who is what she is, but shows up at the gym in spite of it.  So, I think if I want to go into fall feeling better and basically save my life, I’d better get on the side of Laura in The Mirror and stop the sabotage.

Have you ever witnessed your own inner saboteur in such clear and obvious action?

What a day. 

Clipping Along

I am working on summer stock for the Flying Pig in Algoma and moving along. I plan to post a slide show soon of all the wallets delivered. Friday is the next delivery day and I will feel so good about what they have going into the busy season.

When I need a little break, I turn my attention to paper hairpins for D.I.Y. Studio and Gifts in Green Bay.  The grand opening is on April 29th and 30th, so be there if you can!

I'm having fun with experimenting with the pins and plan to make some paper jewelry too, though I doubt I can have it ready for the grand opening.

The task of the day is journal covers for The Flying Pig! Wish me luck! I've already knocked out the passport cases!

Wouldn't the above picture make a nice banner? I plan to change my blog banner quite a bit. I've been hung up on the idea of branding and streamlining a look for my shop and eventual website, but guess what? No can do. I cannot be fenced in and since the work is changing all the time anyway and since I do not have a traditional store, I'm just going to wing it until "I get a message" about what to do.

Speaking of which...my all time favorite movie for laughs could be Best In Show. The scene about waiting for a message while she stuffs herself with popcorn is a little too close to home for me!

Oh, and this summer...it's all about the shoe clips BABY! (You must say it as if you are Dick Vitale). Go ahead...watch this and then say it!

When I worked at Schneider I was sick and my co-worker gave me some cold medicine and I got a little loopy. I was pulled off the phones (kindly, because my behavior was so out of character) for yelling "That's right BABY! The driver will be at your loading dock at 5 a.m. BABY!!! at my customers. Agahahahaha! Unlabeled cold medicine, an empty stomach, hot chocolate and Laura...not a winning telephone customer service combo!

Go ahead and say it, "It's all about the shoe clips BABY!" Aren't hers great?

You Cannot Sleepwalk Your Way Into Your Destiny

Today, let me share a brilliant man with you. David Whyte. Be still my overbeating heart. He does to poems what I long to do with fairytales...the interpretations are so profound.  You can't rush him, but who would want to. :)

I will be gone from this space for about a week, but you can always find snippets of my days here.  By the way....having a helper rocks my world. Thanks a bunch Heidi.

Marilyn: She Played Along Until She Didn't

I love Marilyn Monroe. I'm not obsessed or a collector of all things Norma Jean (though any pictures I have are of the Norma Jean side of her because I find her so much more beautiful). However, but I do find both sides of her very interesting.

When someone has unmet needs, they often, in an act of self-healing try to recreate childhood situations in an attempt to have a different outcome and I don't blame Marilyn for making some mistakes as she tried to have her childhood needs met as an adult. I've done it too (to less disasterous results).

Marilyn played the game of being who people expected her to be until she simply stopped. It wasn't easy to stop for there was very little reward for a truly empowered Marilyn as opposed to a sexually empowered by men icon. And we all know she paid a price.

The quote from her last interview shows her awareness of how she was perceived. She begged and pleaded in earnest with the reporter to end the interview with what is now a famous quote.  Note: she uses the term Negro, which at the time was not offensive and actually considered respectful compared to the alternative.

This was from her last interview.

"What I really want to say, what I believe, is that the world needs a feeling of kinship. Everybody, stars, laborers, Negroes, Jews, Arabs...we are all brothers. Please don't make me a joke...end this interview with what I believe. "

I think this is more true now than ever. I love the word kinship.

Another quote also illustrates her awareness of how she was or wasn't perceived and her self-deprating humor:

"My dramatic coach, Natasha, tells everybody that I have a great soul, but so far nobody's interested in it."[

OK People....

OK, we all know who needs to work on her handwriting and presentation, but trust me, when these mini journals arrive on the scene I will have several less hastily prepared examples.

I do need to give it another coat of sealer and use different ribbon, but can you imagine little pressed violets between the accordion style pages (16 if you count both sides and not the ends)?

I love the idea of this being a keeper kind of holiday card.  No more toss-away cards! They will make cute Secret Santa gifts and you know I'm all over the idea that kids make mini-art books for the grandparents. My favorite though, is simply the thought of writing a tiny poem with a few lines on each page for a friend.

The front and back cover are extra durable because I used vintage plastic Gin Rummy tiles.  I covered them with vintage map pages and will use vintage paper for most, but do have some digital downloads to try to work in as well because they can be printed on recycled paper and I can also include little messages on the cover, like "Happy Birthday" etc... I decided to make a little library of my favorite fairy tales.

I bragged to showed Mark and he said, "Very cute. How are the wallets coming along?" Ugh. Killjoy.

:)

A Little Less Conversation

Hello Kitchenettes! I am literally hopping and chirping over here with so much to share! I feel excited and like this may be one of my most important posts.

First: Heather's 30 Day Vegan class was fantastic. I just finished and lost 26 pounds eating wonderful food, connecting with women from all over, pouring over all of the delicious recipes, coloring (yes, coloring!) and all around being inspired. I cannot say enough about it. If you need a shift and some focus...this class is for you and is professionally and incredibly well done. Heather was so inspiring and I know the women in the course with me felt the same way.

I did better the first half of the course than the second...but I hung in there. I had some non-vegan meals mostly because of convenience. It's easy to be vegan, but usually you have to have some clean dishes with which to cook and last week our kitchen? Not so cool.

Second: Several months ago I began working with some inspirational cards I created about nine years ago. I had abandoned them a long time ago and what a mistake. I think I felt shame about creating such a health and body affirming card pack, but still being overweight. What I didn't realize then, that I totally get now, is that my issue is one of fear of vulnerability (more on this later) and that the cards were not meant to make me thin, but were meant to give me the clarity to make some decisions about what is best for me and the energy to take some action. I had been lost, but now I feel found. (How's that for drama!)

I signed up for Heather's class during a moment of clarity. I finally decided to tell my friend Sandi how in awe I am of her athleticism and state my need for some help in one of those guided moments we all have and often ignore.  Sandi lives in Seattle, but within one day of talking with her on facebook, I had a moment of clarity and  the next day I set up training with not one, but two personal trainers!

My neighbor Sule got me in touch with a local woman named Heather. Sandi and her pal Jake got me to look into the Crossfit box in Green Bay where I have connected with Grant.  I start in mid-April with Heather and in May with Grant. I'm so excited! 

This is a big investment for me. I am using money from my own wallet sales and couldn't be more proud. I am a little nervous, but happy.

Pop! Chirp! Hop!  Peep! That is happy and excited me!

I finally feel like I'm doing less contemplating and more taking action...and you all know me...I LOVE CONTEMPLATION!

Why two trainers? Well, one to help on the fitness side in a seriously intense way. I've got 100 pounds to lose and it's really affecting me physically now. I can't coast anymore.

The second one (Heather) is to help me develop some body confidence outside of the gym. We will be hiking and doing some boot-camp together outside. I love being outdoors, but realized that I don't trust my body on steep climbs the way I used to. Heather and I will start on the lake trail and then graduate to more rugged terrain.

OK. I'll share my cards later, but here is a mini-preview for those of you who have not seen it on Facebook.

OK...the next big step.

I have gone, for lack of a better term,"balls to the wall" on work lately. I am stressed, but finding a groove. I hired a temporary helper (wow!) and the ideas are not just pouring in...but I'm acting on them.  I made the hairpins above and they are part of a bigger project involving not only hairpins, but paper jewelry. They are water-resistant and I love them!

I also made some journals out of game pieces that will blow your mind (let me believe) because they are so little and cute (1.5 by 1 inch!).

I am starting a holiday recycling project (details later) and have some friends already on board to help me! Wait....did you read what I JUST WROTE? I wrote, "to help me". This is crazy insane because if you know me...help is something I rarely admit to needing or wanting. It's the vulnerability factor again.

I have someone helping me starting on May 2nd to get my studio painted and in order.  I also asked for and got an extension on a deadline and didn't feel like a failure. Instead I felt like I was being professionally responsible. Nice shift. Of course this puts me a little behind on some other important commitments, but I had to do it.

I will be attending a local art retreat in July and have put myself out there and offered to help if I can (usually I fear offering my help because I'm afraid I'll disappoint the person by not being helpful enough-crazy).  Here are the retreat details.  The classes are a la carte and very reasonable considering the caliber of the organizing hostess and teachers coming from all over. 

I also decided to apply for a show even though I had decided last year that shows are not for me since I get too nervous beforehand and overwhelmed. Wait...I take that back...I've applied for two shows! One is in Wisconsin and the other is in Manhattan!!!!! I said yes to an almost free trip and this show opportunity came out of nowhere. We shall see. It's a small one (about 2000 people expected), but really...this represents a huge shift for me.

Well, as is evident by this post, I can still carry on quite the conversation, but I am definitely taking some action and wow...I am loving my life now! It's not perfect...it's not easy...I'm not perfect, I'm not easy (hey!), but it's coming along. 

Before I leave you with a video, I encourage you to check out my studio facebook page and share it with your friends. I'll be doing a wallet give-away when I hit 100 likes! Like me, please, for the love of God, like me! Agahahahaha!

I dance like this at every party!