Caution: Profanity Ahead

I know it might surprise some of you when you read that my all-time favorite motivational phrase/exclamation is:

"I'm going balls to the fucking wall!" 

I love saying it.  To me it means all out and hard-core into whatever it is I'm going to do. 

For example, if I know need to stock my Etsy shop and I feel motivated I'll say, "I'm going balls to the fucking wall in my shop!" or if I need to clean my studio I'll say it again, sometimes intentionally making Mark laugh and horrifying my mother when I throw in a few extras as in,"I'm going full-on balls to the fucking wall in my studio BABY!" Baby is shouted in my best Dick Vitale. 

The problem is that I use up so much energy making my emphatic statement that it's rare that I have the energy to follow through and actually go balls to the fucking wall on anything. Though, in this last round of dieting I did go full-on. I reported in that last post that it wasn't working too well for me. I mentioned that I was going to see a doctor and I did.

He was great. He spent almost forty minutes with me explaining clearly, carefully and most importantly kindly, that the balls to the fucking wall approach has hurt my body. Stopping, starting, fasts, detoxes, weight on, weight off, exercising hard on too few calories, banning sugar, binging on sugar and all the other things I've done have finally caught up with me.  He explained (in my language) why the stopping and starting have made it almost impossible for my body to trust that it's OK to lose weight.  

He explained why on 1400 calories a day with exercise I was gaining weight and exhausted. How at my weight, my body needs 2400 calories a day just to rest on the couch and how reducing my intake to 1400 calories and trying to exercise Jillian Michaels style carrying an extra 100 pounds was just insane and this was why I was puking after working out.  And that the Biggest Loser method is great for some, but not for me at this time. Of course, on some level I might have known this, but I wanted it to work.

He also confirmed my suspicion of insulin resistance and explained why this makes efforts at weight loss difficult. He said that he suspected my lab results would show high blood sugar and high cholesterol. He also made a point to make an intuitive statement...nothing the tests showed couldn't be reversed.

The other key statements were:

• "You have an overachiever/under-performer issue when it comes to weight loss
• You have to change.You need to re-program yourself, what you have done in the past has not worked long term so you must make a drastic change in how you think about this."
• You must do this slowly and retrain your body.
• Messing up one's metabolism isn't a myth.
• You got off track a few years ago...OK. Start from where you are.   

And how cool is it to have a doctor say this:

"Look, call me anytime, you know how to reach me, just say Tom, I’m off track, what do I do? I need some help, I need reassurance that I’m not eating too much/little...fine call me. You can do this. You have it in you and you are here. You are here, in my office and this is where it starts…4 years, 2 years whatever, but you will consistently lose weight and that one hundred pounds you are hauling around will go away." 

I love this guy. He gave me hope, didn't criticize and was super empathetic about how if I've been insulin resistant for at least a year, it's no wonder these past efforts have failed. My body is horribly confused. And he was understanding about my frustration that I gained weight on this diet. That I felt angry because I was playing by "the rules" of conventional diet wisdom and not succeeding. 

So, the next morning when I received the phone call telling me the insulin resistance is now diabetes...I didn't panic.

I, for once, am turning this over and following his instructions to the letter because this can be reversed. I praise myself for all of my effort...these realizations I've written about on my blogs over the past two years are not a waste...they are what can help me stay healthy once the weight is off. Like, It's a relief...an answer in a way. 

I will handle the mental and emotional healing and follow his advice for the physical healing (diet and exercise changes which includes more calories not less and taking metphormin to help balance the insulin so my body can drop pounds and so that I don't do further damage to my body or cardiovascular system). 

In order to avoid any fizzling out after a great start, I'm not making statements about going balls to the fucking wall on this...I'm going to try something new...something totally unheard of, something really radical for me...

I'm going to listen to my doctor for once in my life and see what happens. Maybe all the mental energy I devote to trying to figure this whole thing out can be put to better use...I mean Jeez Louise, if I  have my counselor Jay helping on my emotional stuff, Shelley Riutta helping with my life purpose stuff and Tom helping with my physical body stuff, what the heck am I going to do all day? 

Maybe make some wallets? :)

Comments

[Angela]

you're too funny! what a great post!

[artdeme]

Oh! I think I love your Dr. too. Does he make house calls? To Canada?
It's great that you have some answers. Be nice to yourself and get healthy.
PS You crack me up.