A Real Live Diet

It's been awhile. Things have changed, yet they stay the same...or maybe things are the same, but they sure have changed.

When I was a teenager, I went on a few diets...ones that involved counting calories and eating cottage cheese and grapefruit or Melba toast. As an adult, I've never actually dieted...I've preferred "eating plans" or "detoxes"...methods that have some benefit other than weight loss. I've eliminated dairy or vinegar or sugar or grains and a few times, even fruits because I was following a plan that advised that to do so would make my overall body more healthy and then...weight loss would just happen naturally.  Sometimes it did. Sometimes it didn't.

A few weeks ago I fell into a place of absolute despair about my weight...I hit the scales at 246 pounds and I'm only five one.  I was ready to say screw the sugar resolution, screw everything and I hate living this way..and I'm totally throwing the towel on this weight struggle and getting gastric bypass surgery. For two days, I researched it, talked to Mark, talked to my mom and talked to myself. 

I decided that getting the weight off was priority and that I was going to do it with surgery and then heal the emotional aspects later.

It was such a relief. 

Until it wasn't.

I thought about Carnie Wilson and others who have gained weight back....I thought about others who say it's the best thing they've ever done. Then I thought about me and what I know about myself.

I kept thinking.

A few years ago a doctor told me he could send me "over to bariatrics" and have me "thin in eight months"... I declined and told him that I was "on to myself" and that I needed to work on it another way...that if I had the surgery in my current state of mind I'd find ways to eat again, gain weight back and then....I would have failed...not just at weight loss, but at weight loss surgery.  I knew I didn't need that.

I still don't need that.

I went to the Simplicity Circle meeting at the Urban Frog and by that point had decided against surgery, but still felt despair.  The details are too long to post, but let's just say that something happened at the circle in front of all the women...I lost it...started crying..hard...and for me it felt out of control, but peaceful too. To admit (while crying and face to face with people) that I am so ashamed of myself that I don't deliver my products to stores on time because I don't want customers and the staff to see the face  body behind Little Orange Kitchen. And, how it's getting larger. How I feel my outside and inside don't match, how I'm so damn sick of this battle I don't know what to do and how I feel ready to make a change, but wanted their help.

What? Wanted their help?

I don't like help...usually.

That night I did.  I believe in the power of positive thinking and good energy being sent my way...I knew the women in the group did too, so I hoped a little positive energy sent my way would help me on another level...a little push to help me sort this out.

It also helped to admit and acknowledge the pain and shame to a roomful of fit women. I'm always the largest in the room these days and that's hard too...so sharing my pain face to face was a huge relief...it was like getting something really big off my plate (Ha! No pun originally intended) and giving them an opportunity to help rather than sit quietly and rightly or wrongly feel their judgment. 

The women (many of whom I don't know well) were great and each one completely accepted what I had to say and when well meaning suggestions meant to help were offered, I said that really, I didn't need shopping or diet tips or anything else...just to know that they heard me and could "hold me in the light" for a moment was what I wanted.  They were absolutely supportive, if not a little surprised at my outburst.

I went home and felt that something had shifted...I was still sick of the weight, but a new kind of relief flowed over me...I felt unburdened. I still didn't know how I was to RELEASE the weight from my body, but I felt closer to having a real answer.

A few days ago it came to me...a diet. Not a "plan" or a "lifestyle change", but an old fashioned diet...watching calories and exercise. It sounds obvious, but I guess I liked all my other methods because they were open ended...you know, do the plan and the weight will come off eventually. But, with a real diet there is accountability...diets are to lose weight. Plain and simple.

It feels good to say, for the first time...on a blog or to anyone...that I want to be fit...I want to lose 116 pounds and that I'm on a diet. 

I know there are those who say I should love myself as I am.  I don't have much experience with self love.  Self-admiration and seeing good qualities and beauty? Yes. True self love? No. However, it seems to me that to acknowledge how unhappy I was and to decide to take a concrete step designed to get me closer to my true authentic self has to be a pretty big ladle into the self-love bowl.    

So, I've been dieting since Tuesday and feel great. I like this calorie cap because really, I can eat what I want and there's a cut off point....a stop number. Plus, I do like exercise and the idea that I just burned off my breakfast in forty minutes is thrilling. :)

I have a great counselor and supportive people around me and a group of great women who  understand how painful this is for me, so as "issues" come up, I feel better equipped to handle them...and almost feel like I had to hit such a public bottom to arrive where I am right now. I care enough to want to give myself something that has eluded me for years...a fit and healthy body.  

Comments

[Angela]

Wow- what an amazing experience for the women in the circle and for you. I'm hear to support you whenever you need it, you are an amazing woman and deserve the best life has to offer.
I feel I must point out that "the women" in shops and the customers are delighted when they meet you- and you have seriously gorgeous hair! =) The first time I saw you I couldn't stop talking about that hair and how I would feel like a total sex goddess if I were rocking that hair!

[Christine Marie]

"However, it seems to me that to acknowledge how unhappy I was and to decide to take a concrete step designed to get me closer to my true authentic self has to be a pretty big ladle into the self-love bowl."

YOU BETCHA'. ;-)

[Susan]

Sending you support and encouragement from afar!

[Marie]

I feel like I’ve been unfaithful to this blog. In fact, I kind of have. I’ve mentioned that I was dealing with some health issues. In fact, I was diagnosed with prediabetes back in January. It was a major wakeup call. Like a blast of ice water to the face.  I immediately knew that I needed to step up my exercise level, and lose some weight.

[artdeme]

A couple of weeks ago I started a *secret* blog about weight loss for myself, where I count calories and log my exercise. It makes me accountable, in a way...I need to acknowledge to myself how I got to the point I am at. Keeping a record means I will have to record what I eat, and accept responsibility.
The blogs of other women (like you) working on getting healthy is my circle of support. Maybe I'll share mime someday.
Your honesty is inspiring. I"m sending positive vibes your way!

[chieriSopicle]

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