Sparkle

I commented to a friend a couple of weeks ago that I wasn't eating sugar, but was now overeating noodles...I noticed that I was eating more of other things too...things that wouldn't normally hold appeal or take preference over sweet blueberry muffins or coffeecake.  We both got a big kick when I joked that I might need to start yet another blog...a year without noodles. 

I didn't make a federal case out of this...noticing this sugar issue was also overeating across the board issue, but I did notice.  

I had an interesting realization late last night. 

It all started with a gift from my mother of a vintage Thyra Ferre Bjorn book a couple of years ago. I'll save the details of who she is for a post on the other blog...because her books are sweet and the art on the vintage hardcovers blows me away. They do have a Christian values message, but they're not preachy so there's nothing overly in your face and they're also interesting (she refers to all children as being mystics). 

A couple of weeks ago, I was at the Salvation Army and saw two of Bjorn's vintage books...one was even signed. I thought of the book at home and of how I still hadn't read it, but even so, I decided to pick up the copies because they were cheaper than cheap and I love the cover art.

Last night on impulse I grabbed one before heading to bed. I opened it up and began reading...after a few pages, I was pulled into how spiritual it was, but noticed how I wasn't turned off. Sometimes I do get turned off by this kind of thing...if it feels preachy.

Then I hit page 15. 

"The soul is often neglected. It is shy and patient and makes no outstanding demands. If neglected, it cries softly within the heart and we are filled with an anxiety and despair which at times we do not understand. There's that uneasy and lost feeling. If the soul is never fed, it will just wither and crumble into a small unnoticed something.  It is a sad thing when a soul that should glow and sparkle is slowly starved into nothingness."

I immediately had a big reaction. My chest hurt, my heart pounded so hard I thought I could be having a heart attack and I started to cry.  It was as if my soul had been a castaway on a deserted island and an airplane was finally flying overhead. 

Sparkle is one of my favorite words to describe how I want to radiate and how I want to feel. I even named my old shop Mico Femina---The Latin phrase for sparkling or shining woman.  I often use the phrase, "I just want to sparkle" when I'm talking about how I want to live...and what energy I want to project and work with.

I kept crying and rereading the line...

"It is a sad thing when a soul that should glow and sparkle is starved into nothingness." 

I thought of the times I've read things in weight loss books about how you have to feed your spirit, feed your passions etc...instead of feeding your body.  These things never really resonated. In fact, I've become seriously annoyed by articles which suggest you take a nice hot bath instead of eating some pie to feel better.  Clearly the authors have no clue about compulsive overeating or they'd know that while a bath and some pie might be fine, a bath when you want pie just doesn't cut it.

However, Bjorn's words hit home. I thought of all the overeating I've done in my life and of how I've rarely felt satisfied by the food...in any quantity.  I also thought about how there are times when I can be so caught up in work or having fun that I forget about food. These times are rare, but they exist.

It made me realize how much I've mistaken soul hunger for wanting to eat---notice I didn't say being hungry...I've always known I wasn't hungry really. In fact, physical body hunger is something I'm only learning to notice now.

Mark and I have a tradition that the "aura" of our birthdays lasts a few days after the actual day...especially if the birthday falls just before or on a weekend. I think it's interesting that this happened on my birthday weekend.  This stunningly hit-home recognition of her words...and my intense physical reaction. Which, by the way...did subside.

I'm going to keep the whole thing in mind now...and think about my patient soul thats been tossed cookies, candy, cake and noodles much more often than the sustaining nourishment it truly needs...and of how it jumped up and gave me physical pains as it realized it was close to being rescued.  I'm also going to pay attention to those times that I'm not overeating (they exist!) and see if I can make a connection to what I'm doing and if so, do more of it. I like the whole idea of the care and feeding of my soul. 

Comments

[Christine Marie]

Your post 'sparkles' with clarity and insight. And it's a reminder that what we need...what we really need comes to us at just the right time...sometimes we see it, sometimes we don't. But when our heart is ready, it (the heart) opens the door to the soul, which (the soul) is ALWAYS ready. Like it is just hanging out "waiting" for us to remember what IS important.
I know someone is technically "obese". One of her fears is that she will "starve to death". The interesting thing is that even when she gets all that she 'needs'...it never seems to be enough. Like she is a bottomless pit...emotionally and on a physical level. There is an emptiness that cannot be filled...at least not in the way she is trying to fill it. I would say she is trying to fill it...from the outside-IN.
I just love the passage that you posted here, from the book.
I feel inspired again by your message.
Thanks.