Sweets For The Sweet

Discomfort Eating

Even without sugar, my weight is going up. I swear, this is just so hard. It seems that everyone has their issues, but I feel like mine is so public..so visible when I walk into a room. 

I can see why some people never leave their homes and become shut-ins. Not that I'm there, but it's like every time I walk into a room I feel like I have a big banner on that says, "Hi, I'm Laura and you can tell by my extra puffy face and body that I've been off the wagon of exercise and food in moderation." It's so shaming. I went for a walk this morning, the sun felt good. Maybe I'll get back on the Fox River Trail soon.      

Plus, to anyone around town, if you're wondering what's the deal with my everyday hot pink sweater...well, it fits and more importantly...I love it. I got rid of most of my clothes...I did a clearing out a few weeks ago and gave away almost everything that didn't fit and most of everything that did fit, but that I didn't love.

I had to keep a few things that I don't love, or else I'd have no clothing, but I like knowing that nothing will be brought into the house unless I absolutely love it and feel it matches some part of me I hope to express.  So, for the time being, my wardrobe is a little hodgepodge and uninspired, but that's OK. 

Ekhart Tolle has been an inspiration for years.  I've never considered any of his work easy reads, but I've always felt like I "get it".  With one exception...the pain body. I've tried to wrap my head around this concept for a few years, but never really understood it until now...or rather, I think I'm getting it.  

The pain body is the part of you that doubts yourself, engages in negative self-talk and behaviors and sabotages attempts at healing...please read the article in that link above if you want a more detailed explanation.  

I have a habit of reliving a painful memory or projecting something painful to the point where I actually cry...it's such a deep rooted habit that I often don't realize I'm doing it until I've made myself miserable about an old hurt or perceived wound.  I know that this is the very active pain body I haul around...and I have a strong one.

I guess this means I have to disagree with some of what is theorized about men and women with overactive pain bodies, that they only attract low vibration people with active pain bodies too. I attract them, but also attract many people who are not rooted in negativity and who are actually quite inspiring. I think this is because I'm in the middle---partway to healing, so I attract both depending on how active I am in pain.

However, since I've begun to acknowledge this habit of mine...of finding some sort of comfort in pain and have begun calling myself out on it, I noticed that in moments when the habit wins, it's worse than ever...I rage at myself and no longer dance around in my underwear thinking I'm cute while making dinner. I also verbally insult myself which is a new habit...totally new.

After a few weeks of this, I realized that this must be happening because this very active pain body is feeling super threatened...I wouldn't be getting so bad and being so mean to myself if I didn't in some level feel threatened by what I think is the underlying joyful self becoming stronger and trying to emerge.

Of course, some of this would sound very weird if you don't understand the nature of the pain body to survive at all costs. 

This pain is a sign that I am healing and the pain body has pulled out all the stops to stay alive.

I also realized that as much as I say I love various foods and spices and ingredients and cooking etc, that I don't have any pleasant food memories as a child. I remember loving my mom's bread and her blackberry pie or my grandfather's Swedish egg pancakes, but that's not the same as having pleasant memories associated with food.  I don't have many of those. Odd, because I always thought I did. 

However, I have many memories that are unpleasant and associated with food.  Once my father was raging at me for something as I nervously ate a cinnamon donut..(once in awhile my parents would buy a pack of 6 as a treat for our sugar-free household) and suddenly he smacked the donut out of my hand hard and it went flying across the room. I started to cry, but was still chewing what remained in my mouth and he hit me again. I have many memories like this. Or memories where I was crying and eating at the same time alone as a little girl.

While I am very conscious of how I relive painful memories in my thoughts and have begun to stop, it occurred to me that I might be reliving some sort of energetic memory with pain and food. Not that I say, "I'm sad, I'll get a donut." but something deeper.  Like my pain body is super smart and works two ways...if I stop the negative thoughts it creeps through the back door while I eat. 

I have to make clear (if I can) that this isn't the same as comfort eating...it's discomfort eating.  That the part of me so rooted in pain, the part that enjoys feeling bad and feeds off of it, seeks to keep me rooted in habits associated with pain. 

Once (actually, many times), my grandmother (a lovely woman, but a bulimic and hard-core food abuser) and I ate a whole bag of Heath bars and at least a quart of ice cream together. I was twelve or so...maybe younger.  It was always stressful eating with her because she wanted an eating buddy for her binges, but then when she came off of her food high, she would lash out at me out of her own misery.  She might show me the Marshall Field's bathing suit ads and tell me that if only I could lose 10 pounds, she'd buy me one (torture for a 12 year old who wants a new bathing suit)...or she'd get really nasty and grab all the candy that remained and put it away and say that we needed more willpower. When my brother and I visited, she'd get him set up in the living room and she and I would retreat to her bedroom where she had her food stash, it was always exciting (I liked candy), but nerve-wracking at the same time because she was unpredictable and it made me nervous when she'd go purge and then want to start over. 

I'm thinking that unlike some people who eat food as a source of pleasure and comfort or to relieve pain that I might eat to continue pain...and since this pain body part of me takes pleasure and feeds on the pain, that it might be very rooted in my eating.

I recently heard that when one experiences shame and humiliation as a child, it becomes oddly comforting in its familiarity and that as adults we seek out situations to relive that feeling...a person who was abused and humiliated might set themselves up for humiliation at work by not completing a project or by actually paying someone to humiliate them sexually. In my case, I could be using weight and food to do this, or to get deeper, not working as efficiently on the wallets as I could which sets up a feeling of shame.

I'm onto myself a bit here and as strange as this may sound to some of you, I take a little joy in the fact that I am making realizations that may temporarily hurt me (weight gain), but which represent (to me) a time of deep healing and change...and that progress is being made even if the number on the scale isn't going down....

Yet.

Sparkle

I commented to a friend a couple of weeks ago that I wasn't eating sugar, but was now overeating noodles...I noticed that I was eating more of other things too...things that wouldn't normally hold appeal or take preference over sweet blueberry muffins or coffeecake.  We both got a big kick when I joked that I might need to start yet another blog...a year without noodles. 

I didn't make a federal case out of this...noticing this sugar issue was also overeating across the board issue, but I did notice.  

I had an interesting realization late last night. 

It all started with a gift from my mother of a vintage Thyra Ferre Bjorn book a couple of years ago. I'll save the details of who she is for a post on the other blog...because her books are sweet and the art on the vintage hardcovers blows me away. They do have a Christian values message, but they're not preachy so there's nothing overly in your face and they're also interesting (she refers to all children as being mystics). 

A couple of weeks ago, I was at the Salvation Army and saw two of Bjorn's vintage books...one was even signed. I thought of the book at home and of how I still hadn't read it, but even so, I decided to pick up the copies because they were cheaper than cheap and I love the cover art.

Last night on impulse I grabbed one before heading to bed. I opened it up and began reading...after a few pages, I was pulled into how spiritual it was, but noticed how I wasn't turned off. Sometimes I do get turned off by this kind of thing...if it feels preachy.

Then I hit page 15. 

"The soul is often neglected. It is shy and patient and makes no outstanding demands. If neglected, it cries softly within the heart and we are filled with an anxiety and despair which at times we do not understand. There's that uneasy and lost feeling. If the soul is never fed, it will just wither and crumble into a small unnoticed something.  It is a sad thing when a soul that should glow and sparkle is slowly starved into nothingness."

I immediately had a big reaction. My chest hurt, my heart pounded so hard I thought I could be having a heart attack and I started to cry.  It was as if my soul had been a castaway on a deserted island and an airplane was finally flying overhead. 

Sparkle is one of my favorite words to describe how I want to radiate and how I want to feel. I even named my old shop Mico Femina---The Latin phrase for sparkling or shining woman.  I often use the phrase, "I just want to sparkle" when I'm talking about how I want to live...and what energy I want to project and work with.

I kept crying and rereading the line...

"It is a sad thing when a soul that should glow and sparkle is starved into nothingness." 

I thought of the times I've read things in weight loss books about how you have to feed your spirit, feed your passions etc...instead of feeding your body.  These things never really resonated. In fact, I've become seriously annoyed by articles which suggest you take a nice hot bath instead of eating some pie to feel better.  Clearly the authors have no clue about compulsive overeating or they'd know that while a bath and some pie might be fine, a bath when you want pie just doesn't cut it.

However, Bjorn's words hit home. I thought of all the overeating I've done in my life and of how I've rarely felt satisfied by the food...in any quantity.  I also thought about how there are times when I can be so caught up in work or having fun that I forget about food. These times are rare, but they exist.

It made me realize how much I've mistaken soul hunger for wanting to eat---notice I didn't say being hungry...I've always known I wasn't hungry really. In fact, physical body hunger is something I'm only learning to notice now.

Mark and I have a tradition that the "aura" of our birthdays lasts a few days after the actual day...especially if the birthday falls just before or on a weekend. I think it's interesting that this happened on my birthday weekend.  This stunningly hit-home recognition of her words...and my intense physical reaction. Which, by the way...did subside.

I'm going to keep the whole thing in mind now...and think about my patient soul thats been tossed cookies, candy, cake and noodles much more often than the sustaining nourishment it truly needs...and of how it jumped up and gave me physical pains as it realized it was close to being rescued.  I'm also going to pay attention to those times that I'm not overeating (they exist!) and see if I can make a connection to what I'm doing and if so, do more of it. I like the whole idea of the care and feeding of my soul.