I turned 40 an hour and a half ago!
When I was about nine years old I wanted to be on The Tonight Show and on Kids Are People Too (anyone remember that one?). I remember envisioning selling my first book by the time I was ten and being a superstar writer...then I heard a little voice...it whispered that I'd have to wait until my 40's for my real self to kick in. I wasn't afraid of it, but it freaked me out a little.
Later, at sixteen or seventeen, I was still dreaming of being a superstar writer, only now, I wanted to be on David Letterman and just knew I'd be funny and charming and the audience would love me...the little voice that I had grown used to by then whispered that I'd have to wait until my 40's for my real self to kick in.
I found this profoundly depressing. When you're a teenager, your 40's seems so far away.
I'm not joking or being dramatic for the sake of a blog post. I'm serious about this intuitive voice and by my late twenties, I had even negotiated with it and said that I'd love to be successful (at whatever I'm doing) in my 40's, but that it didn't mean I couldn't have success or happiness sooner...and since my definition of success and happiness hadn't been clearly defined..I figured I'd use the time between then and my 40's to help determine what "kicking in" means to me.
A reading from a very good and credible psychic confirmed (without me asking a question) that my life experiences were going to come together in my 40's and that I'd be successful---in fact, she said, "successful in the way you define it." I still wasn't sure then...how I defined success, but I knew it was more than fame and fortune.
By my late thirties, the voice still was there and because my 40's didn't seem so far away, I began to feel excited...like I had something to look forward to.
And it's not as if I've waited to "kick in" for myself...I've done lots of things I'm proud of, but I've always known this little intuitive voice that first showed up when I was nine years old was right...and I know now what it means for me to "kick in for myself". So, today, it's exciting for me.
To me "kicking in" means that on some soul level, I'm ready to take action...having worked hard to break issues of fear and self-sabotage and nurture old hurts to heal them, I'm in alignment. I'm ready.
I'm not saying that from this point forward life is a 24 hour joy fest...but, it's spiritually significant for me. I'm finally ready...and in all the years since nine, I knew I'd arrive at this decade ready and not one moment sooner. I just felt it. It seemed so far away then and now...it's here.
OK...you must stop reading right now if you don't believe that real magic happens every day. Really.
Here's the story...
I was in Petal Pusher several weeks ago and noticed a gorgeous pair of earrings that popped out among all the other pretty handmade jewelry they have. They looked like crimson fall leaves...glossy pink enamel on one side and berry matte on the other. I'm not spending money on adornments right now so I admired them, but didn't buy them. On subsequent visits I'd look at "my earrings" and comment to the staff how I loved them and then go on my merry way.
One day, a couple of weeks ago, I went in. I'd told myself that if my earrings were still there maybe I'd buy them.
Of course, they were gone. I was heavy hearted, but I knew it was for the best. They wouldn't have been an impulse purchase (since I'd wanted them for a long time), but they wouldn't have been a timely purchase either...I'm really watching my spending.
Well, I stopped in a week ago and the staff gave me my sales check along with a beautifully wrapped and ribboned box. I went to the Simplicity Circle at the Urban Frog and then came home and opened my gift. The earrings.
I was in tears and yet laughing because I was overjoyed and appreciated them so much. After years of being an impulse buyer, I must admit there's some pleasure in wanting something so badly again...and then receiving it...in the form of a gift. I love receiving now...more than I ever used to. Accepting gifts used to embarrass me.
Well, I wore the earrings to the Simplicity Circle tonight. If you're local and haven't been yet, you must join us, they're a lot of fun. When the group ended, I walked to my car and headed home. I decided to cut through the Astor Park neighborhood because it's my favorite area and for some reason, I always feel at home when I'm there. As I drove past my favorite house (on my favorite block) and approached a stop sign, I realized I was missing the left earring!
I tried to stay calm and felt around my scarf and coat as I made my way through the neighborhood. It wasn't there. I knew that I was going to turn around and then retrace every single one of my steps from the door of the Urban Frog to my parking space no matter what. I knew the earring wasn't in the car or stuck on me...I just knew. Yet, I decided to drive to the nearby Super Value parking lot to do a slow and thorough search of the car just in case.
I told myself that it was OK...and noted that for one of the first times in my life, I was willing to do something like search the streets in negative zero weather for something that had value to me. I confess that in the past, I might have had a pang of disappointment and maybe called the Urban Frog in the morning, but I wouldn't have gone looking. Remember, I'm the woman who lost her engagement ring two days after receiving it.
I made a few positive connections about value and gifts as I pulled in to the lot. I got out and began to feel around my car and coat even though I knew the earring wasn't in the car or on me.
Just as I was telling myself to listen to my gut and get back to the Frog, I heard a "ping". I look around and about ten feet away I saw what looked like my earring...laying there as if it had dropped out of the sky. My heart soared! I danced over to retrieve it and when I picked it up I saw a quarter.
My earring landed right on top of a quarter.
This made me gasp because my good friend Christine had once told me how auspicious it is to find "change". I love finding change on the street anyway, but having my earring land on the quarter at a time when not only do I have change on the mind, but I also have finances on my mind...and it is a 1984 quarter which adds to 22 and in numerology that makes it a 4 ---for forty. Plus, Christine, who is another reliable and credible psychic had just gotten a message that the next ten years are going to "zoom" for me. Remember, I danced ten feet over to retrieve my earring...one little step for each year of the next decade.
Anyway...that part is fun and magical, but the real twist is...that earring was not on me or in my car. That earring manifested itself and announced it's arrival with the "ping". I know it sounds odd to many of you, but it's true. I did not shake my coat hard or bat things around and throw the earring out as I did...it truly de-materialized and re-materialized and on top of that quarter as a sign of change...a confirmation and a validation and to affirm my new lesson about how I'd been willing to spend all night looking for something that was valuable to me...a gift. Which is very symbolic of the thirty one years (3+1=4 again) between nine and forty that I've spent searching for something...me. Hey, if it can happen to Carolyn Myss and the Vibhooti from Sai Baba can arrive on her doorstep, it can happen to me too...or you!
Now, the next little twist is just that...a little twist, but a fun one.
While at the Frog, Karen was excited to share of a new site she had found that sells shoes that she knew I'd love. I exclaimed that it was funny she was bringing this up because I love shoes, but am a little afraid of them...like the shoes I love are ornate and ribboned and colorful etc and I don't feel I can carry them off. In fact, I believe I used the word ribbon in our very brief exchange. I didn't mention that I had just told a friend about a dream I had a few nights ago...a shoe dream...no details here, it's too long, but let's just say, it applies.
I'm so happy right now...I feel good about this and again, there won't be a letdown if things aren't always easy because that's not what I expect, but I know that a huge soul shift has occurred and one that has been in the making for a long time.
So...I'm to bed now, then going to work like crazy when I get up, but Mark is making his family recipe spaghetti for me tonight and the movie is my choice.
Happy Day! Thanks for reading Kitchenettes!
p.s. The missing earring was the left one...and the left side normally symbolizes receiving/receptivity...
p.s. double s: Angela if you are reading and know the name of the local artist who made the earrings...please post her name. Barbi?